Well..

New experiences in this different place and my continuing studies of the human mind in general teach me more about myself all the time...crazy thing is: in my earlier years i had seemed to have defeated a lot of the "flaws" or "weaknesses" of mind in a somewhat maladaptive lifestyle, but i find myself re-adapting them...on purpose, in order to be happier. ironically enough i had probably cast them off in the first place in order to avert (i hate using this word because its so common and plain, but for lack of a better one) sadness. Typically one might think being happier and averting sadness are one in the same...but I question that notion now. My thoughts are inspired in part by a Sociology class i took over the summer (SOC 220 for the purdue heads) entitled Social Problems.

In discussing race relations as they relate to the state of society, my class exposed me to a different perspective about equality and civil rights. They proposed to me that having everyone treated equally might not be the best idea...that there could be a sort of "color-blind racism" as its referred to in the text books. This is the idea (and it doesn't have to be strictly a color thing) that logically equal treatment of all people could be just as racist as segregation; well maybe not quite. But think for instance about certain things in life (this example is for the minorities) we take for granted or don't really give too much thought too. How many brothas (like me) came here from out of state and spent at least 8 months wit a bush on their head because they didn't know a barber around here. I mean not just any barber right...someone who understands and knows how to cut and style your shit. Same for the ladies who keep theirs braided or done up somehow, or for those who are going or have always been "natural." Yall know what I'm talking about...if we followed the prototypic call for equality, it would be like there's no difference between us at all...we'd be getting mousse and styling gel to put in our hair from target like er'body else instead of picking up the do-rags, hair wraps, and oils we need to cultivate our shit from the Chinese shop. There's clearly a difference between EQUAL treatment and FAIR treatment.

That was an extra long tangent though, the point is that I'm feeling the same way about finding happiness vs. averting misery (yes! i thought of a much better word). I've made so much cognitive and emotional progress since i moved up here two years ago to come to school and this note & the last one I've written are both proof of that in themselves. I know its supposed to be all about the grades, but this whole experience (pain in the ass it may be at times) has been so much more for me be cause of the things i had to learn to make it here, the adaptations i've had to make to to keep life moving...and in large part because of the people I've been fortunate to surround myself with; a select few in particular who should already know who they are, ESPECIALLY this one chick...(lol).

Though i came to be way more mature as a younger man than most would expect one to be, I still arrived in West Lafayette, IN 47906 on August 13th at 11:47 a.m. a statue...of a fool made of stone (naaaaaame it aaaaaf-teeeerrrrrr meeeeee, hahahahaha). I ran at my new life half-cocked and full of answers...though the set wasn't comprised of them all. That was made evident by my reckless spending and terrible GPA (the price for both of which I've paid, and lessons from both of which I've learned). My main answers though consisted of:

"I'm all I got"
"If its not a happy feeling, dismiss it"
&
"be not concerned with any issue, ignorance is the key"

back then i would've meant ignorance as in "ignoring everything" but now I'd readily let all dimensions of the word ensue in the thoughts of others who would read this. Basically i thought if I never felt anything, I'd always be happy...and I was quickly corrected upon getting here. I was "averting misery" very well indeed...but that was far from making me happy.
I figured out that every once in while, I need to trip on something...to get upset...
I learned that i need to feel distraught at least once...
...that jealousy is not always an evil feeling, but that more often than not, it means you REALLY love somebody (though its still a bitch to deal with)...
...that occasionally it will be necessary to piss someone off...
...that if you're friends have never snapped on you because of something about you they DIDN'T like, something was wrong...
...that even though that happen...it doesn't matter so much because yall are friends, and that won't change for anything so little...
...that if you've never had a major depressive episode for any reason or short period of time, you're definitely missing something...
....though having that episode doesn't mean you're psychopathic, that's a normal emotion among human beings
...and speaking of emotions, you kinda need those; you can't just take 'em off ya roster whenever YOU feel like they're not working out

Since i've been here a group of writers pushed me into the rest of the public;
a group of dudes i live, work, eat, and play with taught me acceptance and help me well define my swag;
and one important lady taught me a lil bit about feeling and communication that i didn't know before;
I call these and a host of other contributors to an improved me a blessing.

I been going through a few things and will go through more, but lately I've been forgetting to count those and have been letting things bother me a lil too much.
I could give a damn bout what purdue, the government, or charlie brown say...i know how ta find happiness...and I'm living a "good" life. Makes me mad a little, but I couldn't trade it...
and so i guess the random 3:47 a.m., cognitive ramblings of this kid from Bmore become a thankyou?

Yeah, i guess I could do that...though i never saw myself writing anything like this...least not 'til graduation, but...

Thanks.
(from Friday, 19 October 2007 at 05:14)
©Brandon Baker, 2010